training
Love Your Enemies: Choosing Connection Over Combat
Read This First - 5 Minute Expert Brief
The Big Idea: When someone is different from us or threatens us, our brains automatically want to turn them into an enemy, but Jesus teaches us to keep the relationship alive because that's the only way both people can grow and change.
What Kids Need to Learn:
- Our brains have an automatic formula: difference = threat = enemy
- Jesus tells us to interrupt that formula and choose connection instead of combat
- Keeping relationships alive, even with people who hurt us, gives everyone a chance to grow
Your Main Job Today: Help kids recognize when they're automatically turning someone into an "enemy" and show them Jesus's radical alternative of maintaining relationship even when it's hard.
Common Mistakes to Avoid:
- Making it about being a doormat: This isn't about letting people hurt you repeatedly. It's about not automatically cutting people off just because they're different or difficult.
- Oversimplifying "enemy": Kids know "enemy" from video games. Help them see how they make enemies out of lunch table rivals, annoying siblings, and kids who disagree with them.
If Kids Ask: "What if someone is really hurting me? Do I have to be friends with a bully?"
Great question. Jesus isn't saying to keep letting someone hurt you over and over. You can set boundaries and get help from adults. But Jesus is saying don't turn them into a permanent enemy in your heart. Don't start hating them. Because when you do that, nobody can change or grow. You can be safe AND still hope they become better.
The One Thing to Remember: Every time you automatically make someone an enemy, you destroy the chance for anything good to happen between you. Jesus says keep that door open.
Opening (5 minutes)
Alright everyone, I want to start with a quick question. How many of you have ever had someone at school who just drives you crazy? Maybe they're always saying annoying things, or they disagree with everything you say, or they're just... different in a way that bugs you? Raise your hand if you've experienced that.
Yeah, I thought so. We've all been there. Now here's what's really interesting about how our brains work. Scientists have discovered that our brains run on this automatic formula, kind of like a computer program that runs in the background. And the formula goes like this: Different equals Threat equals Enemy.
Let me explain what that means. When you meet someone who's different from you, your brain automatically thinks, "Wait, that's different. Different might be dangerous. Different is a THREAT." And then your brain takes it one step further and thinks, "If it's a threat, then that person is my ENEMY." All of this happens so fast you don't even realize it's happening.
Let me give you an example. Imagine you're playing a video game at recess, and this kid comes up and says, "That game is boring. The game I play is way better." What's the first thing that happens inside you? You probably feel a little attacked, right? Like they're not just talking about a game, they're coming after YOU. That's your brain going: Different opinion = Threat = Enemy. And suddenly this kid isn't just someone with a different opinion. They're someone you want to argue with, someone you want to prove wrong, someone you might even avoid at lunch.
Or here's another one. Let's say you have a younger brother or sister who wants to play with you and your friends, but you think they're too young and they'll ruin the game. What happens? Your brain goes: They're different from us, they're younger, they're a threat to our fun, therefore they're the enemy. And you find yourself saying things like "Go away!" or "You can't play with us!" Not because you actually hate your sibling, but because your brain ran that automatic program.
The crazy thing is, this formula doesn't just work with people who are actually mean to you. It works with ANYONE who's different. Someone who likes different music than you. Someone who has different opinions about which movie is best. Someone who dresses differently. Someone who believes different things than your family believes. Different, threat, enemy. Boom boom boom. It happens automatically.
And here's the really important part. Once your brain labels someone as an enemy, something happens. You stop being able to learn from them. You stop being able to change your mind about them. You stop being able to work things out with them. Because in your mind, they're not a person anymore. They're an ENEMY. And what do you do with enemies? You fight them. You avoid them. You try to defeat them.
This formula, this difference equals threat equals enemy thing, it's been running in human brains for thousands of years. And it causes SO many problems. Wars between countries. Fights between neighbors. Drama at the lunch table. Families that stop speaking to each other. All because of this automatic formula that turns people into enemies.
Now here's where it gets really interesting. About two thousand years ago, there was a man named Jesus who stood up in front of a huge crowd of people and said something that completely broke this formula apart. He looked at people who were following this automatic program, this difference equals threat equals enemy thing, and he said something so shocking that people are still talking about it today.
Today we're going to hear exactly what Jesus said. And I'm warning you right now, it's going to sound crazy. It's going to sound impossible. Because Jesus is going to tell us to do the exact OPPOSITE of what our brains automatically want to do. He's going to give us a different formula. And if we can learn to use his formula instead of the automatic one, it will literally change your friendships, your family relationships, and the way you move through the world. Are you ready to hear what Jesus said? Let's jump into the story.
Bible Story Time (10 minutes)
Imagine you're sitting on a hillside in ancient Israel. The grass is dry and scratchy beneath you. The sun is hot. You're sitting with thousands of other people, all crowded together on this hill, and at the bottom, there's a man teaching. His name is Jesus, and word has spread that he teaches differently than other religious teachers. He doesn't just talk about rules. He talks about how to actually live.
You've been sitting here for a while now, listening to Jesus teach about all kinds of things. How to pray. How to handle money. How to not worry so much. And the crowd is completely focused on his every word because what he's saying is different from anything they've heard before.
Now, you need to understand something about the people sitting on this hillside. These are Jewish people living under Roman occupation. That means their country is controlled by Rome, a foreign empire. Roman soldiers walk through their streets. Roman governors make their laws. Roman tax collectors take their money. And the Romans? They're not kind about it. They're brutal. They beat people. They humiliate people. They kill people who resist.
So when these Jewish people think about Romans, what formula do you think is running in their brains? That's right: Different equals threat equals enemy. The Romans are different from us. They're a threat to our freedom, our families, our way of life. Therefore, they are our ENEMIES.
And it's not just the Romans. The Jewish people sitting on this hillside also have tensions with Samaritans, who are like religious cousins who believe differently. They have tensions with tax collectors, who are Jewish people working for the Romans, which makes them traitors in everyone's eyes. They have tensions with anyone who doesn't follow their religious rules exactly right. Different, threat, enemy. Different, threat, enemy. It's running constantly in their heads.
Now, in their religious community, there's a teaching they've all heard since they were little kids. It goes like this: "Love your neighbor and hate your enemy." That sounds pretty reasonable, right? Love the people who are like you, who are on your team, who are your neighbors. But those OTHER people? Those enemies? You're supposed to hate them. That's what they've been taught. That's what everyone believes is correct.
So Jesus is teaching on this hillside, and he's been saying all kinds of surprising things, but now he's about to say something that will blow their minds. He looks out at this crowd of people who have been occupied, oppressed, pushed around, and treated badly. He looks at people who have real enemies, actual people who hurt them. And here's what Jesus says:
"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:43-44).
Can you imagine the silence that must have followed those words? Love your enemies? Pray for people who persecute you? Persecute means to treat badly, to hurt, to oppress, to make suffer because of who you are or what you believe. And Jesus is saying to LOVE those people? To PRAY for them?
Think about what Jesus just did. He named the automatic formula they've all been running. He said, "You have heard that it was said..." He acknowledged that this is what they've been taught, what feels normal to them. Love your neighbor. Hate your enemy. That's the formula everyone knows. That's difference equals threat equals enemy in religious language.
But then Jesus says, "But I tell you..." And with those words, he's about to give them a completely different formula. He's about to interrupt the automatic program and install a new one.
"Love your enemies." Not just don't hate them. Not just tolerate them. LOVE them. Which means treat them with kindness. Want good things for them. Refuse to turn them into objects to be defeated. Keep seeing them as human beings, as people, even when they're treating you badly.
"Pray for those who persecute you." Not pray that they'll get what they deserve. Not pray that they'll be defeated. Pray FOR them. Which means asking God to help them, to change them, to work in their lives. It means keeping a connection with them in your heart, even when they've broken the connection with their actions.
Now, this is important to understand. Jesus isn't being naive here. He's not pretending that enemies aren't real or that persecution doesn't hurt. The people sitting on this hillside are ACTUALLY being oppressed. They ACTUALLY have people who hurt them. Jesus knows this. But he's saying something radical: Even when someone is genuinely your enemy, even when they're actually persecuting you, you still have a choice. You can run the old formula: different equals threat equals enemy, which means hate them, fight them, destroy them if you can. Or you can run the new formula Jesus is teaching: even enemies are humans, maintain the relationship, pray for their transformation.
Why would Jesus ask us to do something so hard? Why not just let us hate our enemies like everyone else does? Here's why, and this is the key to understanding this whole teaching: When you turn someone into an enemy and cut them off completely, you destroy any possibility that things could get better between you. You eliminate any chance for change, for growth, for reconciliation. You remove any potential for both of you to learn something, to heal something, to fix something.
Think about it this way. Imagine you have a classmate who said something really mean about you. Your automatic brain formula says: They're a threat. They're an enemy. I hate them. So you stop talking to them. You turn all your friends against them. You make them your permanent enemy. Now what happens? Nothing. Nothing can happen. They stay your enemy. You stay their enemy. Nobody learns anything. Nobody grows. Nobody changes. The relationship is dead.
But what if, instead, you did what Jesus said? What if you decided: I'm not going to let my brain automatically make them my enemy. What they said hurt. It was wrong. But I'm going to keep seeing them as a person. I'm going to pray for them, which means I'm going to hope that they become better. And I'm going to leave open the possibility that something could heal between us.
That's HARD. That's way harder than just making them your enemy. But here's what it does: It keeps the door open. It maintains the possibility that things could change. Maybe they'll apologize. Maybe you'll understand why they said what they said. Maybe both of you will learn something. Maybe you'll never be best friends, but at least you haven't turned them into a permanent enemy that you'll hate forever.
Jesus is teaching the people on that hillside, and he's teaching us right now, that relationships are precious. Relationships are the containers where growth happens, where change happens, where healing happens. And every time you run that automatic formula of different equals threat equals enemy, you DESTROY a relationship. You slam the door shut. You eliminate all possibilities except hatred and conflict.
But when you love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, you do something amazing. You keep the relationship alive, even if just barely. You refuse to let your automatic brain formula destroy the possibility that God could work in this situation, in this person, in you.
The people on that hillside had to wrestle with this teaching. Some of them probably rejected it immediately. "Love Romans who beat us? That's crazy!" Some of them probably really tried to understand it. And over the next two thousand years, followers of Jesus have continued wrestling with this teaching, trying to figure out how to actually DO it in real life.
Because here's the truth: This teaching goes against everything our brains want to do automatically. Your brain WANTS to turn enemies into permanent enemies. Your brain WANTS to hate people who hurt you. Your brain WANTS to run that difference equals threat equals enemy formula because it feels safe, it feels justified, it feels RIGHT.
But Jesus is saying: That formula will destroy you and everyone around you. It will fill the world with hatred and conflict and broken relationships. Instead, choose the harder path. Choose to interrupt that automatic formula. Choose to maintain relationships even with people who position themselves as your adversaries. Choose to pray for people who hurt you. Because that's the only way anything can ever get better.
Discussion Time (5 minutes)
Let's talk about this together. First question: Can anyone give me an example of when you ran that automatic formula? When someone was different or disagreed with you, and your brain immediately went to "they're a threat, they're an enemy"?
Good examples. See how automatic that is? Your brain just GOES there. Now here's the harder question: What do you think Jesus meant when he said to love your enemies? What does that actually look like in real life?
Let me give you a real-life scenario. Imagine there's a kid at school, let's call him Marcus. Marcus is in your class, and he's really annoying. He always has to be right about everything. He interrupts people. He brags about his scores on tests. And one day, Marcus makes fun of something you really care about. Maybe it's a book you love, or a hobby you have, or something your family does. And it really hurts.
Your automatic formula wants to activate, right? Marcus is different from you, he's a threat to your feelings, he's your enemy. Now you want to avoid him, talk about him behind his back, maybe say something mean back to him. That's the automatic formula.
But what would it look like to follow Jesus's teaching instead? What would it mean to love your enemy Marcus and pray for him?
Here's what I think Jesus is saying: You don't have to become Marcus's best friend. You don't have to pretend he didn't hurt you. But you DO have to refuse to run that automatic enemy-making formula. You have to say, "Okay, Marcus hurt my feelings. That was real. But I'm not going to turn him into my permanent enemy. I'm not going to hate him. I'm going to keep seeing him as a person. I'm going to pray that he becomes better. And I'm going to leave open the possibility that maybe, someday, things could be different between us."
That's really hard. It's way easier to just hate Marcus and be done with it. But here's what Jesus knows: When you hate Marcus, you're not just hurting him. You're hurting yourself. You're training your brain to turn more and more people into enemies. You're filling your own heart with bitterness. You're destroying your own capacity to have good relationships.
But when you follow Jesus's way, when you refuse to automatically make enemies, something different happens. You stay soft instead of becoming hard. You stay open instead of closing down. You keep the possibility alive that things can change, that people can grow, that relationships can heal.
Last question: Why do you think it's important to keep relationships alive even with people who hurt us?
Exactly. Jesus knows that relationships, even difficult ones, are where growth happens. When you love your enemies and pray for those who hurt you, you're not being weak. You're being brave enough to keep the door open for transformation. And that's exactly what Jesus wants for all of us.
Activity Time (8 minutes)
Instructor Preparation (Read Before Activity)
Activity Name: The Enemy Line
Setup Required: NONE - This activity requires only the kids themselves and empty space
How It Works: Kids will physically experience how the automatic "difference = threat = enemy" formula works and practice interrupting it.
Space Needed: Enough room for kids to form two lines facing each other with about 6 feet between the lines
Activity Instructions (Read Aloud to Kids)
Alright, we're going to do an activity that will help you feel what it's like when that automatic enemy formula activates, and then we'll practice Jesus's alternative. Everyone stand up and form two lines facing each other, about six feet apart. Perfect.
Here's how this works. I'm going to say statements about differences or conflicts. If the statement is something that would normally trigger your automatic "difference = threat = enemy" formula, I want you to take one step BACKWARD, away from the person across from you. That backward step represents how we automatically create distance and make someone an enemy.
But then, after we step backward, I'm going to ask you to make a choice. If you want to follow Jesus's teaching and refuse to make that person your enemy, if you want to keep the relationship alive, take one step FORWARD. That forward step represents choosing connection over combat, choosing to maintain relationship even when it's hard.
Everyone understand? Let's practice. Here's the first scenario:
Scenario 1: Someone at lunch says your favorite video game is stupid and boring. That's different from what you think, and it feels like a threat to something you care about. Take one step backward.
Good. You felt that threat. Your brain wanted to make them an enemy. But now, you have a choice. Will you let that difference turn them into your enemy forever? Or will you choose Jesus's way? If you choose to keep the relationship alive, to not make them your permanent enemy, take one step forward.
Let's do another one. Scenario 2: Your little brother or sister wants to play with you and your friends, but you think they'll ruin the game. They're different, younger, a threat to your fun. Take one step backward.
Now the choice: Will you turn your sibling into an enemy? Or will you find a way to keep the relationship alive? Maybe you play with them later, maybe you include them in a different way. But you refuse to make them your enemy. If you choose connection, step forward.
One more. Scenario 3: There's someone in your class who always has different opinions than you about everything. They like different music, different shows, different everything. And today they disagreed with you in front of other kids. Take one step backward.
That automatic formula kicked in, didn't it? They're different, they're a threat to your opinion, they're becoming an enemy in your mind. But here's your choice: Will you let that difference destroy the relationship? Or will you do what Jesus said? Will you refuse to hate them? Will you even pray for them? If you choose Jesus's way, step forward.
Okay, everyone can return to their seats. Let's talk about what we just experienced. When I described those scenarios and you took that step backward, what did that feel like?
And when you chose to step forward, to choose connection instead of making someone your enemy, what was that like?
Exactly. That backward step is automatic. Your brain does it without even asking you. But that forward step? That's a CHOICE. That's you interrupting the automatic formula and choosing Jesus's way instead. And every single time you make that choice, you're doing something powerful. You're keeping relationships alive. You're refusing to fill the world with more enemies. You're leaving the door open for things to get better.
This week, I want you to notice when you feel that automatic backward step happening in your real life. When someone is different, and your brain wants to make them a threat, make them an enemy. And when you notice it, I want you to remember Jesus's teaching: Love your enemies. Pray for those who hurt you. Choose to take that step forward. Choose connection over combat. Choose to keep the relationship alive.
Closing (2 minutes)
Before we finish today, I want you to remember one thing. Your brain has an automatic formula: different equals threat equals enemy. It runs constantly, turning people into enemies faster than you can even notice. But Jesus gave us a different formula: Even enemies are humans. Maintain the relationship. Pray for their transformation. Choose connection over combat.
This week, you're going to have chances to practice this. Someone is going to be different from you. Someone is going to disagree with you. Someone might even hurt your feelings. And your automatic formula will want to kick in.
When that happens, I want you to remember what Jesus said on that hillside two thousand years ago: "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Not because it's easy. Not because they deserve it. But because that's the only way to keep relationships alive. That's the only way anything can ever get better. That's how we interrupt the formula that fills the world with hatred and conflict.
Let's pray together: Dear God, thank you for teaching us through Jesus that there's a better way than automatically making enemies. Help us this week to notice when that automatic formula wants to kick in. Give us the courage to interrupt it. Help us choose connection over combat, relationship over hatred, your way over the automatic way. Amen.
